The Happy Birthday Conspiracy
by Amory Sparkly Bat
Summary: It's Mozzie's birthday and Neal wants to give him a very special present, the kind that comes from outer space, but he's going to need a little help from Peter!


**Title: **The Happy Birthday Conspiracy  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Warnings:** h/c, humor, slash, fluff  
**Fandom: **White Collar  
**Pairings:** Peter/Neal, Peter/El  
**Word Count: **3,766

o o o

**Summary:**It's Mozzie's birthday and Neal wants to give him a very special present, the kind that comes from outer space, but he's going to need a little help from Peter!

**Author's Notes:** Written for the 'Alien Abduction' square on my H/C Bingo Card for **hc_bingo**

o o o

**The Happy Birthday Conspiracy**

On July 17th, 1969 in a little shack outside Reno, a highly secretive group of governmental agents filmed the Apollo 11 moon landing. Three days later, their conspiracy was put into action, forever marked by the words 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.' Neal Caffrey knew this, because Neal Caffrey came from outer space. To be more specific, he came from a planet only ten light years away that circled the star Epsilon Eridani which, if you escaped the lights of Manhattan, could be seen shining near Orion's Belt.

Or that's what Mozzie had told him, anyway.

"I'm telling you, Neal, if you don't start being a little more careful around the Suit, he's gonna find out! Do you *want* to spend the rest of your life being probed up the anus?"

"It depends who's doing the probing," Neal replied dryly as he took another sip of his wine, staring up at the starless sky, its beautiful gems hidden by orangey street lamps and thick, filthy ozone. "Did I tell you about the time Sara tried to probe me with her baton?"

"You deserved that," Mozzie said flatly. "Taking a painting she spent a month recovering from the middle of her living room while she was busy basking in the afterglow? That's low, man."

"I wasn't taking it," Neal protested. "I was *borrowing* it so that I could paint her a replica for her apartment!"

"Yeah, and Sarah Palin doesn't work for the Russian mob," Moz said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "But that's my point exactly! You need to stop doing uncanny things like making perfect replicas of masterpieces in about five minutes! They're going to figure it out, Neal, sooner or later."

"I'm not an alien, Mozzie," Neal said patiently, not that it would do any good. "How many times do I need to tell you that?"

"Bullshit," Mozzie replied. "Look at your hair. That's not normal, that hair! And your luck. No human has as much luck as you do, Neal Caffrey. You could stick your head in a pail of feces and come out clean as a whistle. Come on and admit it! I want to see your TARDIS! Show it to me!"

"Wow, I didn't know you were kinky like that, Mozzie," came an amused voice, making both men jump.

"Dammit, Peter," Neal snapped as he wiped spilled wine off his robe, "have you ever considered knocking?"

"Why should I?" Peter asked, inviting himself to take the seat beside Neal. "You don't want me walking in on you showing Mr. Haversham your tardy, is that it?"

"TARDIS," Mozzie snapped back. "His TARDIS, okay?"

Peter made a sound of amusement. "I've never heard it called that before."

Neal choked back his laughter at the look on Mozzie's face. The poor guy looked like a freaking tomato.

"It's a spaceship, Suit," Mozzie snapped. "Time and Relative Dimensions in Space. The TARDIS. Used by the elusive Time Lords of the planet Gallifrey to travel through the inner weave of the universe."

"So what, the universe is a blanket now?" Peter questioned, grabbing Neal's wine glass and taking a sip. "How cozy."

Mozzie made a noise of frustration. "Dammit, Suit! Don't you watch Dr. Who?"

"He seems more of a CSI type to me," Neal put in helpfully as he rescued his glass from Peter's grip.

Mozzie let out a sigh, setting his glass down on the little table with a 'clink.' "You know what? I'm out of here. I have better things to do than to spend time with a Suit. It's my birthday. I want to have fun."

"Hey," Neal protested, "I offered to take you someplace fun. The theatre, the Metropolitan Museum, maybe the symphony?"

"Oh, gee, that sounds like a *blast*," Peter said with a snort, making Neal roll his eyes. "Don't run off, Moz. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spoil the party. You know, there's a sports bar on 21st Street that has some killer drafts…"

Mozzie let out a dramatic sigh. "You two are useless. Sometimes I don't even know why we're friends, other than the fact that I like to keep track of alien beings. Forget it. I'm going to go home and practice my Japanese tea rituals. Mulder, Skywalker, you two have a blast. I'm out of here."

Neal chuckled. "May the Force be with you."

"Ha, ha, ha."

o o o

Mozzie let out a sigh as he made his way down the steps in front of June's house. It wasn't like he was big on birthdays or anything, but it would have been nice to do something he liked. Okay, it was true, he did like sitting on a pricey balcony drinking expensive vino, but he did that all the time. The downside of having friends who insisted on being so upper class was that it sort of took the fun out of going to fancy restaurants or swanky clubs. The birthday cake Neal and June had gotten had been absolutely fantastic—a cartoon figure of JFK grinning broadly as he sat on his own tombstone—and he'd loved his gift of a spycam hidden inside a toy llama, but still… He wished they had done something a little more special.

A cab pulled up to the curb almost immediately, a true birthday miracle, and Mozzie dug into his pocket for his wallet, frowning deeply when he came up empty handed. Darn, he must have dropped it at Neal's place, maybe when he'd been showing June his jujitsu moves and tripped on one of Neal's Italian loafers, sending him into a weird sort of somersault.

"Sorry," he said to the cabbie as he turned to go back into the townhouse. "Could you wait a minute—?"

Apparently the answer was no, because the cab was gone before he had time to finish his sentence. Oh, the joys of New York City.

June was nowhere to be seen when he entered, so Mozzie made his way up the stairs to Neal's place. He was about to open the door when a voice made him pause.

"Are you sure he doesn't know about you?" It was the Suit, sounding low and dangerous.

A sigh. "Peter, he doesn't know anything. He's a conspiracy junkie, okay! For God's sake, he thinks I'm from Orion's Belt! My planet isn't even from that constellation! Epsilon Eridani my ass. You guys don't even have a fucking name for my home star. It's, like, celestial body 61.7542 or some weird crap like that."

"He doesn't have to know where you're from to screw this up, Neal. He only has to know you're not from *here*."

Mozzie's eyes widened as the full meaning of the conversation hit him. No wonder Neal hadn't been worried about the Suit finding out—he already knew! Of course, it made so much sense! Neal was here with permission of the government and Burke was his handler or something. Why hadn't he thought of that before? After all, nobody could miss the fact that Neal was way more than human, especially not an employee of the federal government. They trained those guys in this kind of thing. That's why the always wore sunglasses at night—they were actually goggles that revealed alien lifeforms.

"So what if he does guess?" Neal asked, sounding annoyed. "Peter, who would believe him anyway? He thinks aliens capture you guys, he has no clue that you're the damn kidnappers!"

That *they* were the kidnappers? Was Neal implying he'd been kidnapped from his home star?

"Hey, hey," Peter replied, and Mozzie could practically imagine him holding up his hands. "We didn't kidnap you, Caffrey. That was all the cosmonauts working with your little friends. We have no control over what the Russians do."

Neal made a huffing sound. "You have control of this thing on my ankle! As long as it's on, my people will have no chance of finding me."

"As long as it's on, the *Russians* will have no chance of finding you," Peter said, sounding annoyed. "You said it yourself that your people aren't coming. Vincent Adler left you stranded here! He was really the one who kidnapped you, even if the Russians were the ones who blackmailed 'Nick Halden.' Your own kind set you up to be the fall guy when their plans to take hold of Earth by ruining the economy failed! We're doing everything we can to protect you. Of course, it would be a lot easier if you'd stop using your alien skills for evil." The last words had a sour note to them.

Mozzie took a tiny peek through the crack in the door, wishing there was some way he could *see* what was going on. If only he had a way to—Mozzie's eyes fell on the brightly colored birthday sack sitting at his feet, inspiration flooding him. Yes. It was perfect. No one would notice one tiny little toy llama!

He dug through the bag as quietly as possibly, hooking the llama cam to his phone so that he could get a live picture. There. Now all he needed to do was slide it in…

Bingo!

Tiny versions of Peter and Neal appeared on the glowing screen of his phone. Peter was scowling, arms crossed over his chest in annoyance and Neal was looking exasperated, running a hand through his curls.

"You don't know what it's like," Neal snapped back, voice catching on the words. He ducked his head, rubbing tiredly at his face. "Being all alone on this rock, the only one of my kind…"

Peter sighed, moving forward to touch Neal's shoulder. "I don't see why you can't just forget. Forget about your planet, your people. They're gone, Neal, and you're never going to get them back. We're your people now."

Neal gave a bitter laugh. "I'm supposed to forget? How? Nothing is the same here." He paused, cocking his head a little. "Well, okay, the gravity is about the same on earth, which is why Vin zin At wanted to conquer it." He made a huffing sound. "I should never have gotten involved with that crook to begin with. I should have known he was playing me. I 'accidentally' get bio-transferred here and then, three years later, Vin zin just happens to show up? Ha. He was behind that mess at the bio-transfer unit. I know he was!"

"You really think that?" Peter questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Neal laughed again. "Oh yeah. He wanted to use my talent for mimicking alien species so he could better instigate his twisted little plans. You have to understand. I can't just forget who I am. Yeah, I'm a conman. Or a con alien. Whatever. But I can't con myself, not when everything around me is wrong. Your trees are freakish, Peter. Why are they so damn green? They look like broccoli! And there's so much water on this planet that it's disturbing, yet most of it is undrinkable? And using petroleum as fuel? Why doesn't your ice have electric properties? I'm still Ne all Fri, even if I'm stuck on this grungy excuse for a planet."

Peter sighed. "I am sorry, Neal. I know you want to be Ne all again. And I wish I could help you. But we didn't even really land on the moon! How am I supposed to get you back to your planet when we can't even get outside of our own atmosphere?"

"You know," Neal said in a conspiratol voice, "the cosmonauts say that if I help them create manned spacecraft, they'll help me get home."

Peter's shoulders stiffened, his whole body sort of tightening up. "Oh yeah? And what do you think about that?"

"I think I have no idea how to build a damn spaceship," Neal said, looking a little amused. "I'm an artist, for God's sake. Do they think every man, woman, and hermaphrodite on my planet knows how to build a ship? I painted murals on the outside of spacecraft, I didn't build the damn things."

"But if you did?" There was a strange look in Peter's eyes and Mozzie stiffened as the larger man stepped close to Neal, laying a palm gently on his face. "If you could leave?"

"I don't know," Neal said quietly, voice a little hoarse. "I want to go home, Peter, where people like me live. I want to go back to being what I am. Here… I'm the odd one out, you know? Working with humans like you… No matter how hard I try, I'm never really one of you. When I'm with my own kind, I'm accepted."

"Neal," Peter said seriously, "you *are* one of us. You're one of my men, wherever you came from, and you will be until the day I lose you." He swallowed hard. "But I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you, either," Neal said, voice soft. He reached up, placing his hand over Peter's. "And to be honest, even if I could take the next spaceship away, I don't think I would. Not unless you came with me."

Peter laughed, smiling kindly down at the other man. "You know I never would. I love what I am. But you know what? I love what you are, too."

Neal snorted. "Really? Because I think you've made it pretty clear that using my alien wiles to escape every kind of lock and cuff is against the rules."

"Oh it is," Peter said, smirking. "But that doesn't mean I don't think it's kind of hot. I knew from the very beginning that you must be an alien, because there's no other way a man like me would find you so damn irresistible otherwise."

Mozzie slapped a hand over his mouth to keep from gasping aloud, his eyes wide. Was the Suit really saying what he thought he was saying? Had Neal's alien pheromones really done him in? And if so, why hadn't they affected Mozzie in the same way? Mozzie would gladly acknowledge that Neal was attractive, too attractive to be human, even, but he'd never actually *wanted* his friend.

"Hmmm," Neal said, reaching out to play with Peter's tie. "What can I say? It's my alien charms. You know, Agent Burke, it's been a long time since you've given me a physical…"

Peter let out a deep laugh. "You're right, it has, hasn't it? You haven't probed me in awhile, either, my out of galaxy friend. What would the scientists on your home world say?"

"Not to get you pregnant," Neal said with a smirk. "But, luckily, since I'm a seeder, not an incubator, and human males can't get pregnant… I don't think we're even going to need a condom."

"I wish you wouldn't talk about the preggers thing," Peter said with a little grimace. "That freaks me out a little."

Neal shrugged. "We're a gay planet. Ladies on ladies, men on men, and hermaphrodites doing it with everyone. It's all this heterosexual stuff that seems kinky to me." He grinned, a little wickedly. "It's kind of fun being a ladies' man. We don't have those on my world."

"Well, I prefer you to be my man," Peter said, leaning forward to press his mouth against Neal's. They kissed deeply for a moment then Peter pulled back, smiling broadly. "So, what do you say? Who probes first?"

"Mmmm," Neal said, burying his face in the other man's neck. "How about you start, then I'll show you some of my intergalactic moves."

Peter made a growling sound. "Time to land the rover."

With those words the two men disappeared off the screen, and Mozzie could hear them laughing and talking as the mattress squeaked with their weight.

Very, very slowly he began to pull his llama cam back by the cord, his heart pounding fast. He knew it. He'd always known it! Neal Caffrey was an alien. There had never been any other explanation. And now he had proof.

Mozzie hugged his llama cam close to his chest, a huge grin spreading across his face. After all these years, he finally knew for sure! Not, of course, that he would ever betray his friend's secret—Mozzie had no problem with friendly visitors from outer space—but to finally know, for *sure*… Somehow Mozzie managed to hold in his squeal until he was down the stairs and out the doors. Neal Caffrey was really an alien! He finally knew for sure. This was seriously the best birthday present ever, and it hadn't even been planned!

o o o

Neal let out a loud moan of pleasure as Peter collapsed on top of him, wiping at the sweat dripping from the older man's face onto his own.

"Mmmm…." Peter groaned as he rolled over on the mattress so that he was lying on his back next to Neal, one arm slung carelessly over the smaller man's chest.

"Did you enjoy your probing?" Neal asked, tossing a grin at the other man.

Peter chuckled. "Oh yes, indeed. I enjoyed probing you very much, Neal. Or should I say Ne all?"

Neal burst into laughter, shaking his head. "C'mon, you know you loved it."

"I cannot believe we did that," Peter said, shaking his head. "You're sure he saw it?"

"Oh yeah," Neal said with a smirk. "He was right outside the door."

"Freaking voyeur," Peter muttered.

"Hey, can you blame him for not wanting to interrupt the space aliens?" Neal propped himself up on one arm, grinning down at Peter. "Who knows what kind of dangerous pheromones I give off when I fuck?"

"How did you know he'd come back?" Peter questioned, still not quite believing that he'd allowed Neal to talk him into this.

Neal shrugged. "Stole his wallet. I'll give it back to him tomorrow."

"Are you going to tell him it was a joke?" Peter questioned, sitting up and grabbing the pants he'd dropped on the floor.

"No way," Neal said, shaking his head empathetically. "This was, like, the best birthday present ever. I'm not gonna ruin it by telling him it was a joke!"

Peter pulled his shirt over his head. "I guess we have different definitions of 'best birthday present ever.' Please tell me that ET won't be phoning home for my birthday."

"Best birthday present ever for Mozzie," Neal conceded. "Now hurry your butt up and get dressed. I need my beauty sleep."

"Yeah, yeah," Peter said, swatting the other man away when he tried to tug on his tie. "I'll see you tomorrow, Caffrey." He headed toward the door. "Bright and early."

Neal flashed him his best grin. "Yeah, yeah, see you then."

The door shut behind Peter and Neal collapsed back on the mattress, giving a satisfied sigh. That had been fun. A lot of fun. Way more fun than he usually had with humans, especially with the buttoned down Peter Burke.

"Was that *really* necessary?" came a tinny voice from his anklet, making Neal jump. He sighed and sat up, leaning down so he could glare into the little camera on it.

"No. But if you're gonna keep me on this rock just because I committed a few petty little crimes—"

"You pretended to be the High Magistrate of Andromeda then stole a tiara made of meteoritic black diamonds from his bedroom safe."

"I gave it back," Neal protested.

"Then you knocked up his son."

"That was not me. That was his fucking bodyguard." Neal sighed. "Remind me again why you chose a planet populated with law abiding citizens to serve as my prison?"

"Because I'm a sadist. Don't worry, con, you've only got four more solar rotations and we'll ship you back to your star system so you can get back to your thieving. Intergalactic Guard Module 875, Lieutenant Kate Moreau, signing out."

Neal scowled deeply as he collapsed back onto his bed. Sometimes it really sucked being an alien. But hey, at least it meant he got probed.

o o o

Peter was startled awake by the ring of his cellphone. He reached out for it groggily, slamming his hand down on the bedside table until he found it. El made a soft noise, burying herself deeper in the covers, and Peter held back a moan as he rolled out of bed, not wanting to disturb her at three in the morning.

"'Lo?"

"Dammit, Peter," came Hughes' voice over the line, short and harsh. "I just got a call from Neal's dead girlfriend. She said that you and the alien were having a probing good time."

Peter's face flushed and he moved toward the bedroom door, stepping out into the hallway and closing the door lightly behind him. "It was just a joke."

"The last thing we want is for Caffrey to realize we know he's an alien, Burke! God, he's enough of a headache as he is, but if he knew that *we* know that he can open locks with his mind, he'd drive us crazy!"

"What was I supposed to do, Reese?" Peter questioned, suddenly feeling a little defensive. "Tell him 'no, I won't do that because I, uh, well, uh, because I don't do alien jokes!'" He made a rude sound. "Talk about making him suspicious!"

Hughes sighed in his ear. "Okay, fine, fine. But please, I know that his breeding pheromones are driving you insane, but do your best to keep the probing earthly, would you?"

"I'll do my best." Peter sighed as the line went dead. God, it was just a joke! Everybody needed to lighten up, especially that freakish guard who liked to play games with Neal.

"Everything okay, hon?" El asked as he made his way back into the bedroom.

"Yeah," Peter said, shaking his head. "Just Hughes wanting to bitch about Neal."

El's eyes widened. "Oh, no… You don't think he suspects…"

Peter shook his head. "No way. Don't worry, hon, we're safe here on earth."

"We better be. I'm tired of jumping planets, Peter."

Peter smiled at her, giving her a soft kiss. "This is our home now, sweetie, and we're here to stay. And maybe, if we're lucky, when his time is served, Neal will decide to stay with us to."

"I know he must miss his planet," El said softly. "The trees there are so much pinker than the ones here. But you know that the Magistrate will never let him return to Andromeda, even once his sentence is served. The man really loved his tiara."

"That's okay," Peter said, taking her hand in his. "Like I told him, he's one of my crew now."

The End.


End file.
